2018.

It’s almost a month into 2019 but I’m only posting about my thoughts about 2018 now. You know why? Because I’m a Chinese and our new year only starts at February!

Just kidding, I’m lazy and I have no excuse for not updating my blog. Well, this post required more time as it includes more of my feelings and thoughts, but here it is.

Before I begin my rant, forgive me if I don't make much sense in translate my feelings into words correctly and sound like I'm all over the place.

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Everyone didn't seem to like 2018. Personally, I feel indifferent.

There are just too many days to summarize my whole year, yet at the same time, there wasn't any life-changing event that occurred during the year.

For most parts of the year, I worked. Most days were the same: I get up, I go to work, I get home, and I sleep. The cycle repeats. It did occur to me that this could be the rest of my life, just like how everyone is doing the same. An average person living his or her ordinary life, averagely.

It feels like life's on repeat when there's a routine to follow, but I believe that the highs and lows in our life are caused by one single factor: your interaction with people.

Just like how an experiment has a control factor, there's also a manipulating factor that creates different results; all the events in our life is directly or indirectly determined by the actions and interactions of a person or a group of people.

Global warming? The political change in my country? My emotional breakdowns? They all have something in common: people are involved with it.

While there wasn't a life-changing event for me in 2018, I felt like I had to deal with people a lot. I felt like life was constantly challenging my relationships with people whether they are people close to people or me I'm not familiar with.

I found myself in situations where I couldn't handle my emotions maturely, and how I realized people could easily ruin or make my day.

The best part of my 2018 involved the people important in my life. The worst is too. It's incredible how a single word or action can make or break your day, well, at least for me. Perhaps I shouldn't give people too much power on my emotions.

Occasionally when I get upset over something, I feel like most people can't understand or fully relate to my struggles. I get this pent up energy inside me with maybe a few small holes to release them and I get more pissed because I feel like I'm the only one suffering through the ordeals. And I'm the kind of person where I want to rant to the whole world but I'm scared of offending people or making my family worried.

At the same time, I feel like I'm very immature when I get upset over small matters. In a situation where it looked like no one gets worked up like me, it feels like I'm overreacting.

Like, what am I supposed to do? Should I explode about my insecurities and probably make a big deal over something that people don't really care? Or should I just lay it low, keep a seemingly calm nature but torture myself because I'm obviously easily swallowed by my emotions?

I want to be a more emotionally-controlled person where I don't get worked up or cry at every beautiful animation scene with emotionally intense music, but it's hard. It’s very hard. Like how it's very difficult to not cry at the scene where Stoick and Valk dances at HTTYD2. No onions involved.

With my very average relationship and communication skills (and my extreme pettiness), most of the time my relationships with people don’t feel the same anymore, at least from my point of view. I’ve completely removed people from my life because I felt there’s really no point of staying with people who hurt me so much, even when they think the relationship deserves a second chance.

That’s right folks, piss off June too much and you’ll probably never see me again because I’m an unforgiving bitch. No amount of begging or apologizing will change my view because I’m focus on that particular wrong move you did and how it affected my life even though it only makes me miserable and angry for a long time.

Moving on (even though at times I’m terrible at it myself).

This isn't limited to only 2018, but there are many times in my life where I find myself in situations I don't want to be in. I won't say they're all my fault, but in some ways I allowed them to happen.

For example, missing a party because I was worried about transportation and regretting later when I hear about all the crazy stories. Or, meeting with people just to be polite and regretting later because I realized not everyone wanted to be there.

I was never great with dealing or communicating people, nor am I good at making decisions, but I decided that I have to stop putting myself in these situations that I don't want to be part of. I started to have a more (only just a little bit more) YOLO attitude when agreeing to last minute plans, but I still need to work on dealing with people that aren't on the same wavelength as me.

But things are not as simple as saying yes or no to an outing with friends. My decisions aren't going to be great all the time just because I think they're better at the time. I only know the consequences of that single choice I make because I obviously can't turn back time and try again. I'm not a Maxine Claufield.

Will it be a waste of time if I decided to attend this social gathering? I would be happier playing games at home, but perhaps the time spent with the people there will be unforgettable. The thing is whatever I choose, I will never fully understand the result of the other choice I didn't make. Even if someone else told me the aftermath, it's not me experiencing it, and I will never know.

I guess I'm trying to tell myself to follow my feelings more but I'm also trying not to get too hung up, even if the choices I made were not the best. I feel like I’m contradicting myself in some ways.

I'm not old, but I'm not young either. I don't expect myself to be an expert, but it makes me wonder when will I learn the ability to handle interactions with people better. I've definitely improved compared to my younger self, but yet at the same time, I feel like I'm nowhere near at being a strong, independent adult.

Speaking of adulting in real life.

People on the internet often describe that even adults wing it in life. For example, our parents aren't as composed as we think, and everyone of all stages of life is also struggling with the expectations that society and life have set. Then, they're also saying that as you grow older, you just stop giving a fuck anymore.

I agree to both of these statements to a certain degree.

When I entered university, I was exposed to different kinds of people from different parts of the world. When I entered the working environment, I had to deal with these people with various personalities whether I liked it or not.

For example, instead of getting angry over someone insulting my pasta, I learned to tolerate these bad energies. I figured that I shouldn't waste my energy on things that are just not worth it. My pasta is delicious, and I will eat it.

I’m turning 24 this year and I still don’t know what’s my main purpose in life. I know what my dream life is like, but I don't know if I can achieve it, thus making my future look so blur right now. And it feels worse when everyone seems to get their shit together on Instagram and Facebook.

On the other hand, I’m feeling excited for the year of the Pig. I’m not sure if it’s because I couldn’t really celebrate CNY properly due to my grandmother’s death last year, or is it because it’s my year? Either way, I’m looking forward to it. I probably won’t feel the same for the next Year of the Pig 12 years later though.

Happy new year and have a great year of the pig.