Deep Down.

Now, I'm not a good person. I have an evil seed inside me and every second I'm growing it's gonna bloom along with me. It's just that my good side is gonna stop it. I believe I kinda have something like a dual personality. Duh, I'm a Gemini.

I'm not gonna hold back anymore. I'm done with fake smiles and saying "I'm okay.", "It's nothing.". This harsh world has exposed me enough to its cruel reality. I'm tired of this bullshit. I was doing my Biology paper when all these thoughts went into my head. Biology is the 'study of life', so it's natural for me to think of life.

Since the beginning of this year, I'm greatly distracted. I'm facing my major exams this year and I still have this 'I don't give a damn' attitude towards everything. SW once admired this attitude of mine and I'm like, this is really admirable? I laughed, I didn't really think it was anything good.

This rant of mine, shall begin. Honesty, you will witness.

Since I met you bunch of people, my life had been chaotic. I'm dragged to stupid stuffs that I wasn't involved and affected by all of your stupidity. I never wanted to know you people. I didn't like you all. But then, I guess I still have a kind heart and this irritating way of not saying 'no.' I kept up will all of your stupidity.

Thanks to you guys, I have been back stabbed, lied to, and having people talk at my back. Thanks a lot, really. You gave me another reasons to hate you all. I figured handling with all you people's dumbness wasn't healthy for me and my pitiful brain so I cut all ties with you all. But then again, I couldn't avoid you all completely, there are other sources of your stupidity keep coming back at me. I haven't even seen your faces yet, wadda flower Hanamiru I love you so much. <3

I seriously was living my life normally without any distractions. I even started flipping books at the beginning of this year. But look, why am I caught in the net again. Everyday I'm updated with your nonsense that really make no sense to me nor it bring me any entertainment. And once again, I don't have the heart to say 'no' so I endured your foolishness everyday.

I guess I'm really evil deep down and I can hide it well, because maybe all of you think I'm a really nice person that's worth to bully and play around. Heh, even you guys had no contact with me anymore, my mind is still tormented by your yes, your stupidity. I wasted my brain spaces thinking of problems that isn't even mine.

Damn it, I'm even dedicating a post to you all people, even when you guys can't even see it. Hah, I'm always out of the picture. Hell yeah, I'm left out, thrown aside, placed in the corner of the room where the light can't reach. And maybe you don't even realized how much salt I wasted from my body to create tears.

My heart is burned with jealousy and rage every time I see your smiles. It's sad, but it's true. The way you kept me out was something I couldn't put away lightly. But I still lived through it everyday. Sometimes, I forget but it wasn't something I can forget completely. Curiosity, it keep comes back to me, hitting straight towards my face, reminding me how far behind I'm left behind. But I can't do anything.

How pitiful I sound. But then I shouldn't get any sympathy, because I know I don't deserve it. Deep down, I wished I could meet you guys way later in my life. Maybe, it's even best that I don't even meet you all at all. But that's impossible, because life is always there to screw things up.

And I guess there's something worth it after all this bullshit and crap that's draining every second of my seventeen year old life. But so far, I see none but one.

Hi dad who is always reading my blog.
Please do not worry about me or my feet.
I'm okay and I'm sorry I might not visit you during the holidays.
I was really looking forward to go to that Converse stall.

---

I wish I can sleep forever.