6th of June - The Final Journey

My life being crushed by the thing I always loved.

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Before writing this post, I was thinking maybe I could write about my journey and experience along my competition. And it should go like, Day One, Day Two and lastly Day Three. But there isn't a day three for me.

Well, day three was the finals and I didn't make it.

DAY ONE

Only class work was given on this day. Before this day I had dreams because I was worried. I got the number 3 and I was suuuuper glad. At least I didn't have to go first on everything and I don't need to wait and worry for my turn.

My friends and I were scared because we're afraid the freework given is going to be hard, but it turned out much more simple, unlike what our teacher gave us. So, that day, I am quite satisfied after what I have done.

DAY TWO

Which is, actually today as I write this post. It is also the semi-finals, they day they decide who will go to finals and perform their second variation. I had confidence towards all the Dua Space contestants and me. But like always, over confidence always bring me down.

Category Three (the category I'm in) has a total of 69 contestants and only 15 are able to make it to the finals. When they announce the finalist, they stated they added one more lucky person.

I thought I did quite well, and I thought maybe I could get to the finals, because almost all contestants weren't good at all. I'm not being mean but it's the sadly, the truth. In the end, four of six Dua Space Category Three contestants managed to enter the finals, which is actually quite good.

Tears cannot be stopped when we went back to our dressing room. Poor Denise couldn't hold back her tears too. I didn't really wanted to be crying because I still had to congratulate my friends, but it's damn hard to hold back, even now. I also wanted to stay back and watch the sisters perform but I think being in that hall would make my eyes rain tears.

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This had not happened to me once, and this is my third time. Everytime I thought I did good, but I just don't understand why in the examiners/judges' eyes, they didn't see me at all.

I am so frustrated, sad and angry at myself when I got a disappointing 79 for my Grade 6, a terrible 56 for my Intermediate and, I couldn't make it into the finals, while I lost to all my friend who have not even took their Inter-foundation examinations.

I just don't get it. Why do I worked my ass off, remembering all the damn syllabus while others depend on me, smile until my cheek muscles were shaking

and in the end, it's always me, holding back tears during class, sobbing while I made into my room and cried until my pillow is wet.

My friends got WAY higher marks than me, even with a sprained ankle or weaker flexibility than me. I got long limbs, which is actually an advantage in the Ballet world but I just don't understand why do I SUCK, JUST SO, MUCH.

My parents, friend told me not to cry, but to try again next year, but I have done that just so many times that I lost confidence every time. I just don't see hope anymore in the thing that I love so much with all my life since I was small.

AND IT'S ALWAYS ALRIGHT TO CRY. I was more shocked when some of the contestants who did not made into the finals didn't not even drop a tear. I mean, all the effort you had done to the competition, all your feelings, all the sweat you have wiped from your body, vanished when the MC did not annouce your name.

I just feel so unappreciated. So left out. Always being lied to. Always the one at the bottom.

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MEH, I do not even care anymore. Where are the people who can actually remember what their friends are doing.