Departures ~A Love Song Sent to You~

If separations were meant to be sad, why is there a 'good' in 'goodbye'?

I guess everyone is already aware that I like Inori Yuzuriha very much. EGOIST is releasing another single at the 5th of December and I'm looking forward hearing Chelly's voice again. Hopefully, YouTube doesn't bring down the videos because of copyrights thingy. Now, there isn't a single video of Planetes without the editing of the pitches. Luckily, I download the whole song before it was gone for good.

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I departed.

In the chilly night, when the sun had long gone and the moon shined its light on the dark earth. Mist formed under my breath as I quicken my pace towards the night, away from the building where all the warmth exist. As I half ran, the snowflakes from the skies fell upon my shoulders and followed me wherever I bought them.

It was in the middle of the night, and everyone was already deep in slumber. I left when everyone least expected, but actually I had planned this long time ago. I left, because I finally realized that the warmth in the building was no longer there. Or maybe, I had begun to grow cold.

Either way, I knew I shouldn't dwell any longer.

No notes were left, no words were exchanged. I left without anyone's acknowledgement. I admit that I was selfish, but it was what I really wanted, so I decided to go for it. No one was stopping me, so without any hesitation I escaped.

I lost count how many steps I had taken, but I was sure I was quite far away from where I departed. I stopped in my tracks and took a deep breathe of the night air. Its coldness pierced the insides of my lungs, but it didn't hurt. I liked it, I embraced the taste of freedom.

I looked up and saw the moon, the only source of light. I smiled at it while it stared at me back. I knew I was alone in the night, but I liked the idea of the moon being my only friend at that moment, guiding me, at least until the sun rises again. I lowered my eyes again when the snow started to gathered on my face and blurred my vision. I set off again, wandering to wherever my feet leads me to.

I have been in this place for too long to know where I'm going, but in this darkness it seemed like a different world. There is the bench where I would normally sit while listening to my music. There is the traffic light which it's green light lasted three seconds shorter than the red. And there is the studio where everyone used to jammed. Everything was the same, but without the presence of people, it looked lonely especially in a winter night.

I began to think of what were the possible outcomes after my departure. Will people be worried of me leaving? Will people find me? Will anyone miss me? Or will things will be the same, even after I left? I didn't wanted to think to much, in case I decided to change my mind and head back. I already made this far, I'm not going back.

My boots crunched against the snow that was beginning to become ice. I passed by the ice-cream shop that I loved hanging out at and stare at it for a while before I continued my wandering. It wasn't really long but soon the feeling of sadness swept through me. I knew it would come sooner or later, but I suppressed it down and fought back my tears.

Memories flooded my mind without any warnings and I walked in the state of trance. Happy memories, sad memories, angry moments, you name it. I began to feel old, thinking how many years had passed by, living in the place where I thought I will be there for like, forever.

I thought about the people I loved, the enemies I made, the mistakes I'd done, the success I achieved, the hardships I had been through, the many friends who come and go. It was nostalgic indeed, but I decided to put it behind me, where all pasts should be.

I might never gave anyone reasons of my departure and thought how it might affect the people around me, but I know what I'm doing. If I actually cared to explain myself, I think I might never leave, and that's certainly not I wished for. I yearned to spread my wings and fly away and I had sacrificed a lot to just let things go.

A cold breeze brought me back to reality and in a distance I heard an lone owl hooted. If ever a wild wolf emerged from the forest beside me and killed me that night, I would have no regrets. I left the place where all warmth existed, the place I once thought was my home, the placed where all started and it was purely what I decided. 

I'm not going back. I'm never going back. Even if the whole world begs me to, even if I'm offered luxury for my return, I won't go back to the place because it is the place I couldn't stand anymore. I will be honest, I hated to be there, even if it was the only place where my memories belonged.

Everything changed, people changed. I will not succumb to my weakness and be tortured mentally by the old memories. What is the point of clinging to the past when the future awaits us? So I will not dwell anymore, I will run towards the future, away from the haunting past even it takes to break people's hearts. People might never look at me like before, but I'm still me so I'm contented with that.

It feels a lot better to be broken away from the chains, to be free from responsibilities and I'm going to stay that way. I will bump to the past once in a while and I might be questioned a lot, but I'm prepared for it. So far I haven't been truthful, but I think soon it will be clear to everyone.

I don't know where I will be going or if I might find another place I can call home but I guess I will find out soon. 

Departures aren't always meant to be sad, and it certainly doesn't mean the end. Even if you bid farewell, it doesn't mean you will never meet again. So even if I'm alone with no one by my side, I will start all over again with this departure.