Exposed.
As you can clearly see, I changed the skin/template/layout of my blog.
I decided to go dark because like I said, my pink words and white background blinded a few people's eyes. And it was really getting a little boring after so many years. I had to think of ideas, get inspired and draw different headers. It's a problem when I get lazy.
Just to let you know, my favorite color isn't blue. It just looks more nicer with the black background. I don't know, I don't want to choose pink. Green, yellow, orange, red other any other color just doesn't seem to fit. Anyway it doesn't hurt your eyesight so I'm satisfied with that.
The music at my blog is the piano transcription of My Dearest, the first opening theme of Guilty Crown. It was sung by Koeda, who was also in supercell as a featured singer. Koeda and Chelly (Inori) were both chosen at the same time but I always liked Chelly. I don't know, I don't really like Koeda's voice except in the song 'Sinner'. I only begun to enjoy My Dearest recently, I don't know why.
---
I'm going to be honest in this post. I'm gonna be honest like I'm admitting a murder. My words might sting.
If I had to describe myself in the miserable situation yesterday (It was Seru's birthday!), I would describe myself as a Russian doll. If you don't know what it is, it's a doll containing another smaller doll containing another even smaller doll and it goes on and on until you find one tiny doll inside. Russian dolls are craved out with wood, so that makes them strong.
You see, the second last thing I want to happen in my life is letting my mother see me crying. The last thing is to explain to her why I'm crying. She has too many things to worry and I don't want to be a burden to her. Both things happen on that day. So when my mother caught me crying in my room, it's like my outer, strongest shell was broken.
And after the outer shell got broken, you'll find a broken doll inside and it just keeps breaking, breaking and breaking some more until you'll find me as million pieces of broken wood. Yes, it feels that way. I was literally shattered from inside out. I was at my worst condition and I let my mother discover my horrible state. I shouldn't have sobbed too loudly, she could hear me a room away.
Actually my mother caught me crying once this year. Both times, she said I was crying for small matters and I shouldn't even be so depressed. But I think she'll never understand, not after what I have been going through. I lost, basically everything important in my life this year. But yeah, we all had been going through hard times. 2012 is a terrible year.
The reason behind my tears is because I realized that I lost my friends. Now, I always knew that I was beginning to lose my friends since last year, but just yesterday it hit me too hard I cried immediately. And when I had these thoughts in my head, my heart hurts. And when my heart hurts, I feel like breaking part. And when I break apart, I cry.
I cried a lot this year. You could say I cried like Ikeuchi Aya, who cried one litre of tears in the drama/movie. It was almost the same. Yes, I cried my eyes out many times this year. Sometimes, I even cry without reason. I just cry. It hurts even more when I cry with a reason. And it's hard to get that thought out of your mind. I don't think I'm battling depression though.
When my mom found me lying on my bed crying, she asked what happened. I wasn't used to telling my inner most feelings to my mom although we're close, so I just said it was nothing. But obviously, one wouldn't cry so sadly and miserably, locked inside a room without any reason. So, my mother closed the door and demanded answers from me. If I didn't spill things out, she wouldn't leave me alone so I told her anyway in between some sobbings and hiccups.
I didn't get invited to any outings organized by my friends. There was two, but I wasn't even told of one. I wasn't asked. It's really sad yet funny, because even my little sister told us we should hang out after SPM. Well clearly I didn't know I wasn't included at all.
Just like my mom, you might think I'm stupid to cry over such small matters, but I had felt was something like betrayal, left out, forgotten. Well, I do realize we hadn't been so close but until the point where I'm not invited to a gathering shocked me a lot. I was invited to every single gathering and almost attended every one of them in the past.
So yeah, they're probably ice skating, shopping, taking photos, watching movies together while I'm in my room crying, thinking of horrible things. I guess I do put myself in miserable situations by just over thinking. Sucks to be a emotional female that over thinks and over reacts. Boys 1 : Girls -100.
I don't know but when I began to feel I'm losing you guys I particularly cried a lot. Those tears are real, containing all the sad emotions. In the beginning of the year, I couldn't even talk to you guys. I couldn't even look straight into your faces because I knew I would cry. So, I distanced away myself. I went away because I didn't want to cry and I remained silent because for the same reason.
I wonder if you guys feel the same and cried for me? Did you guys cried for me when I left? Did you had the feeling that you're miserable when you're around me? Did you feel left out and alone? Did you feel lost and confused? Haha, even if you did cry for me, I cried for losing almost ten of you. That makes me crying ten litres of salty tears.
I admit that I purposely distanced myself away. Because yeah, it hurts to be with you guys. Because it hurts every time I had to gather at the school, to sit beside you guys, to hear you guys chatting and laughing and to realized that I'm no longer laughing with you guys. I really hopeless in these kinds of things, because I refuse to take actions. So yeah, it's also my fault.
The worst thing is (I know probably this is heard million times already in the internet) I have to act that I'm okay. It's almost impossible now. I do realize I'm ignoring every one of you now.
But one I cannot forgive is that my friendship is ruined by jealousy. Yes, you who doesn't even talk to me anymore and I don't think you'll ever read my blog. Unfortunately I was told the truth and now I have to deal with your silly attitude everyday in school to see your smiling faces while I'm sulking inside. Hopefully the last time I'm gonna see you is when you return my book. HECK, you don't even want to return the book to me by yourself. I'm smiling now 'cause I feel so idiotic believing that we might last as friends for a longer period of time.
Seven years of friendship means nothing to you, I guess. But then, Seru was right. A real friendship doesn't count by years or how long you have been together. Even my mother told me that friends come and go, and now that I have seen your true colors, I shouldn't even consider you as my friends.
Gawd, I even feel a little angry right now. I feel evil in fact. And I have to be prepared that I'll lose even more friends after I post this thing in my blog. But I lost everything now so I guess it doesn't make a difference. Anyway I was already planning to start anew, hopefully at some place where I don't have to see anyone's faces.
I feel worthless. I'm no better than an inanimate object. I'd rather be a dog. At least if I'm not desired in the pack I'll be pushed out of the group by force. It's more faster and at least the pain can awaken my senses. And if they don't like me, they'll hit me or throw rocks at me. It's a direct and a honest message that I'm not wanted. I'll just move on faster instead of hanging by tiny thread of hope.
I wonder if I'll regret one day, hmm. Once again and again I wished I'm a guy. I'll be free from all this girls bullshit and stupid things like jealously and immaturity and of course hormone imbalance that seem to have more affect on girls rather than guys.
Anyway, thanks for confirming that you guys don't need me and helping me confirming that I don't need you guys. Hopefully I don't cry when I see your faces. Or resist the temptation so shout angrily or sadly or whatever emotion that I stored inside. But most probably I'll just smile at you guys, nicely.
I feel like a piece of shit. My life IS a piece of shit.
I decided to go dark because like I said, my pink words and white background blinded a few people's eyes. And it was really getting a little boring after so many years. I had to think of ideas, get inspired and draw different headers. It's a problem when I get lazy.
Just to let you know, my favorite color isn't blue. It just looks more nicer with the black background. I don't know, I don't want to choose pink. Green, yellow, orange, red other any other color just doesn't seem to fit. Anyway it doesn't hurt your eyesight so I'm satisfied with that.
The music at my blog is the piano transcription of My Dearest, the first opening theme of Guilty Crown. It was sung by Koeda, who was also in supercell as a featured singer. Koeda and Chelly (Inori) were both chosen at the same time but I always liked Chelly. I don't know, I don't really like Koeda's voice except in the song 'Sinner'. I only begun to enjoy My Dearest recently, I don't know why.
---
I'm going to be honest in this post. I'm gonna be honest like I'm admitting a murder. My words might sting.
If I had to describe myself in the miserable situation yesterday (It was Seru's birthday!), I would describe myself as a Russian doll. If you don't know what it is, it's a doll containing another smaller doll containing another even smaller doll and it goes on and on until you find one tiny doll inside. Russian dolls are craved out with wood, so that makes them strong.
You see, the second last thing I want to happen in my life is letting my mother see me crying. The last thing is to explain to her why I'm crying. She has too many things to worry and I don't want to be a burden to her. Both things happen on that day. So when my mother caught me crying in my room, it's like my outer, strongest shell was broken.
And after the outer shell got broken, you'll find a broken doll inside and it just keeps breaking, breaking and breaking some more until you'll find me as million pieces of broken wood. Yes, it feels that way. I was literally shattered from inside out. I was at my worst condition and I let my mother discover my horrible state. I shouldn't have sobbed too loudly, she could hear me a room away.
Actually my mother caught me crying once this year. Both times, she said I was crying for small matters and I shouldn't even be so depressed. But I think she'll never understand, not after what I have been going through. I lost, basically everything important in my life this year. But yeah, we all had been going through hard times. 2012 is a terrible year.
The reason behind my tears is because I realized that I lost my friends. Now, I always knew that I was beginning to lose my friends since last year, but just yesterday it hit me too hard I cried immediately. And when I had these thoughts in my head, my heart hurts. And when my heart hurts, I feel like breaking part. And when I break apart, I cry.
I cried a lot this year. You could say I cried like Ikeuchi Aya, who cried one litre of tears in the drama/movie. It was almost the same. Yes, I cried my eyes out many times this year. Sometimes, I even cry without reason. I just cry. It hurts even more when I cry with a reason. And it's hard to get that thought out of your mind. I don't think I'm battling depression though.
When my mom found me lying on my bed crying, she asked what happened. I wasn't used to telling my inner most feelings to my mom although we're close, so I just said it was nothing. But obviously, one wouldn't cry so sadly and miserably, locked inside a room without any reason. So, my mother closed the door and demanded answers from me. If I didn't spill things out, she wouldn't leave me alone so I told her anyway in between some sobbings and hiccups.
I didn't get invited to any outings organized by my friends. There was two, but I wasn't even told of one. I wasn't asked. It's really sad yet funny, because even my little sister told us we should hang out after SPM. Well clearly I didn't know I wasn't included at all.
Just like my mom, you might think I'm stupid to cry over such small matters, but I had felt was something like betrayal, left out, forgotten. Well, I do realize we hadn't been so close but until the point where I'm not invited to a gathering shocked me a lot. I was invited to every single gathering and almost attended every one of them in the past.
So yeah, they're probably ice skating, shopping, taking photos, watching movies together while I'm in my room crying, thinking of horrible things. I guess I do put myself in miserable situations by just over thinking. Sucks to be a emotional female that over thinks and over reacts. Boys 1 : Girls -100.
I don't know but when I began to feel I'm losing you guys I particularly cried a lot. Those tears are real, containing all the sad emotions. In the beginning of the year, I couldn't even talk to you guys. I couldn't even look straight into your faces because I knew I would cry. So, I distanced away myself. I went away because I didn't want to cry and I remained silent because for the same reason.
I wonder if you guys feel the same and cried for me? Did you guys cried for me when I left? Did you had the feeling that you're miserable when you're around me? Did you feel left out and alone? Did you feel lost and confused? Haha, even if you did cry for me, I cried for losing almost ten of you. That makes me crying ten litres of salty tears.
I admit that I purposely distanced myself away. Because yeah, it hurts to be with you guys. Because it hurts every time I had to gather at the school, to sit beside you guys, to hear you guys chatting and laughing and to realized that I'm no longer laughing with you guys. I really hopeless in these kinds of things, because I refuse to take actions. So yeah, it's also my fault.
The worst thing is (I know probably this is heard million times already in the internet) I have to act that I'm okay. It's almost impossible now. I do realize I'm ignoring every one of you now.
But one I cannot forgive is that my friendship is ruined by jealousy. Yes, you who doesn't even talk to me anymore and I don't think you'll ever read my blog. Unfortunately I was told the truth and now I have to deal with your silly attitude everyday in school to see your smiling faces while I'm sulking inside. Hopefully the last time I'm gonna see you is when you return my book. HECK, you don't even want to return the book to me by yourself. I'm smiling now 'cause I feel so idiotic believing that we might last as friends for a longer period of time.
Seven years of friendship means nothing to you, I guess. But then, Seru was right. A real friendship doesn't count by years or how long you have been together. Even my mother told me that friends come and go, and now that I have seen your true colors, I shouldn't even consider you as my friends.
Gawd, I even feel a little angry right now. I feel evil in fact. And I have to be prepared that I'll lose even more friends after I post this thing in my blog. But I lost everything now so I guess it doesn't make a difference. Anyway I was already planning to start anew, hopefully at some place where I don't have to see anyone's faces.
I feel worthless. I'm no better than an inanimate object. I'd rather be a dog. At least if I'm not desired in the pack I'll be pushed out of the group by force. It's more faster and at least the pain can awaken my senses. And if they don't like me, they'll hit me or throw rocks at me. It's a direct and a honest message that I'm not wanted. I'll just move on faster instead of hanging by tiny thread of hope.
I wonder if I'll regret one day, hmm. Once again and again I wished I'm a guy. I'll be free from all this girls bullshit and stupid things like jealously and immaturity and of course hormone imbalance that seem to have more affect on girls rather than guys.
Anyway, thanks for confirming that you guys don't need me and helping me confirming that I don't need you guys. Hopefully I don't cry when I see your faces. Or resist the temptation so shout angrily or sadly or whatever emotion that I stored inside. But most probably I'll just smile at you guys, nicely.
I feel like a piece of shit. My life IS a piece of shit.
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