That Stab in the Heart

The hole just gets bigger and bigger, sorrow filling my empty heart.

---

I am frustrated and I have no more hiding places to spill my true feelings. Facebook, there's no secrets there. MSN, words spread like air. Friends? They're too cheerful to hear miserable things. My blog is the only place I can spit everything out since only my true friends visit my blog.

Last time I mentioned that I was going for a Ballet competition and I was actually really excited about it. And two lessons is already enough to break my spirit.

I attended the class yesterday and relieved to see another girl that will accompany me going through the cruel lesson. I know there's four girls including me going to the competition. I'm the oldest among all of them. Old, old, old.

Anyways, the other girl was improving very fast while I was struggling with my posture, technique, my whole body that is. My teacher kept correcting me and kept telling me to do what and what should I do. I completely understand my problems, just that my teacher doesn't explain to me how should I correct it.

The most harsh words were, " you don't look like an Advanced student at all. "

Okay, I'm not stop.

You know how terrible my Grade 6 and Intermediate results were. You know that my posture was a big problem. You know that my technique sucks like hell. You know I have long limbs but I don't extend them as much as I can. Then WHY DA HELL did you send me to the competition in the first place?

To gain experience? I guess I will gain horrible experience embarrassing myself on stage. Since there are so many students in class, why choose me - the weakest of all.

I just don't get it at all. Why don't you just send the better ones (better than me, of course) and maybe they will stand a better chance than me! And the competition is not a simple thing, everyone in Malaysia can take part, and that means the pros aren't backing down letting the noobs win.

It just pissed me off, sending me to the big competition means you have trust in me, and then you're saying that I suck in a polite way. Oh, that's very kind of you, but deep down it hurts like needles pricking through my heart.

I don't just have the heart to go dancing anymore. I don't think my friends will understand anything about dancing and they will go like, " Oh it's okay, I'm sure you can do better. " But the fact is I suck. I don't improve as fast as people and it's the same sentence all over again and again and I'm sick of it. I'm sick of everything. I'm sick that I suck so badly.

Oh well look, I still have another form to complete to enter the damn competition that I'm supposed to go and maybe I won't even get the finals.

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